What’s On Your Mind? By Michael A. Harvey.

 Dear Dr. Harvey:

 My husband has slowly lost most of his hearing (even with hearing aids) over the last 30 years. He has unconsciously learned to speechread rather well. We take American Sign Language (ASL) classes together. One thing I have noticed over the 25 years I have known him is that he used to make it easy to ignore him. He would nod his head, smile, look agreeable and give no indication that he could not hear. This led to many "conversations" in which everyone was talking about a different topic. (All of his family has inherited this condition.) Eventually someone gets angry and says that no one is listening to him.

My husband has learned to tell people that he does not quite understand what they say and ask them to repeat it, in different words, if necessary. Is this "blaming the victim"? I think not. I think it a matter of each person taking responsibility for as much as they can in keeping communications open. I do not have a hearing loss and will admit that sometimes it is a challenge to find different ways of conveying information, but it surely beats arguing over misunderstandings.

 MS

 Dear MS:

I agree with you that it’s not “blaming the victim.” On the contrary, my sense is that your husband is finally being assertive about his needs from a position of self-respect! Previously, it appears that he valued the needs and wants of others more than his own; e.g. “he used to make it easy to ignore him.”

Easy for whom? He made communication easier for others while making it more difficult for himself; as if he deemed those others to be more important than himself. But in fact, it is a “lose-lose” outcome. His previous habit of “passing” or feigning understanding -– nodding his head, smiling, looking agreeable, etc. -– also deprived others of having a more complete, authentic relationship with him. It deprived them of the gifts he had to offer.

Enjoying clear communication sure does beat arguing over misunderstandings, despite the work that is often involved: for example, seeking clarification, ensuring adequate acoustics, learning ASL, etc. As you undoubtedly have discovered, with that work comes a sense of belonging and connection, both vital rewards for one’s psychological health.

Dear Dr. Harvey,

 I am a 28-year-old educated woman. My doctors believe I have been slowly losing my hearing for probably most of my life. I went through this all the while not knowing or recognizing what was happening to me. Then, one day, I found myself with a sudden profound hearing loss.

I had not had my hearing tested since elementary school when I believe that I was diagnosed with severe myopia (near-sightedness). I felt that my eyesight was a major reason that I did not recognize my hearing loss as well as my family and especially my father, who now feels so responsible and guilty that he and my mother did not recognize my symptoms. They always thought I wasn’t paying attention or being careless or just not interested…Some of us even think that we have done something harmful to ourselves to cause this terrible disability; I know I thought that I did.

My husband and our family are all members of SHHH. My life has totally changed as a result of this hearing loss and I am trying every day to adapt to my new environment and the silence and isolation that come along with it. I have also recently become a recipient of a cochlear implant. I recently had the device activated and have had a great initial result and awaiting its full results and rewards.

MSF,

New York, NY

 Dear MSF:

I’m glad you and your family are members of SHHH, as peer support is among the most important factors for continued positive adjustment to hearing loss. And congratulations on your initial success with your implant. Your other comments exemplify a common human proclivity to “blame the victim,” also referenced in the above letter. You say that “my father… feels so responsible and guilty that he and my mother did not recognize my symptoms, and that “Some of us even think that we have done something harmful to ourselves to cause this terrible disability; I know I thought that I did.”

Most, if not all, of us become extremely anxious at the prospect of random, harmful events happening to us or our families. Thinking that there was something we could have/should have done spares us the anxiety of unpredictability; it gives us the comforting illusion that we are in complete control of our destiny. Good things happen to good/responsible people; bad things happen to bad/irresponsible people.

But with this illusion also comes a lot of unnecessary pain and guilt. In a different context, I’m reminded of a man I treated who had been diagnosed with untreatable cancer. He was in a great deal of psychological pain, immobilized by torment and extreme remorse -– not because he had been diagnosed with a terminal illness (he had lead a wonderful life and had come to terms with his death) but because he felt he had betrayed his family; he felt responsible for his disease. The initial stage of our work together involved self-forgiveness; and then our focus shifted to helping him realize that it wasn’t his fault in the first place.

Could you, your father, or your mother have done something that you/they didn’t do? Of course! — that goes without saying. They could have taken you to two doctors, three doctors, 10 doctors; you could have taken more vitamin X, or less vitamin X, etc., etc. The list is endless. So-called “Monday morning quarterbacking” is guaranteed to pronounce you guilty as charged. As Montaigne put it, “There is no man so good that if he placed all his actions and thoughts under the scrutiny of the laws, he would not deserve hanging ten times in his life.”

But, again, you’re not speaking of doing wrong per se or breaking laws; rather, you’re speaking of our continued struggle to make sense out of why loss happens to people who don’t seemingly deserve it. Who can say whether two, three or 500 doctors would have made a difference? And taking more or less Vitamin X may only have resulted in gastrointestinal upset. As it sounds like you’ve discovered, self-acceptance is a better option.

Michael A. Harvey, Ph.D., is a noted author and clinical psychologist whose specialty is psychotherapy for persons with hearing loss. He regularly lectures both nationally and internationally, including at several SHHH Conventions over the past 20 years. In addition to a private practice in Framingham, Massachusetts, he holds adjunct faculty positions at Boston University; Pennsylvania College of Optometry, School of Audiology; and previously at Gallaudet University. His latest book is titled The Odyssey of Hearing Loss: Tales of Triumph, published by Dawn Sign Press.