The following article appeared
in the January/February 2001 issue of Hearing Loss:
The Journal of Self Help for Hard of Hearing People
Dear Dr. Harvey:
I’m a middle-age hard of hearing woman
who has coped pretty well over the years. Lately, however,
I’ve found myself becoming much more irritable
with hearing people who don’t seem to care! It’s
not so much the obvious kinds of discrimination that
bother me -– like no captioning, alerting systems,
etc. It’s more the subtle reactions of people:
like being ignored or treated like I’m some kind
of defect. Frankly, I’m beginning to feel like
there’s something wrong with me.
Signed, Desperate and Fed Up
Dear Desperate and Fed Up:
You’re certainly not alone in feeling hurt and
angry in the throes of people’s indifference.
Many people who are hard of hearing have expressed
feeling most frustrated, not with their hearing loss
per se, but with others’ insensitivity. One woman,
for example, sent me this letter:
"The resulting feeling of being ignored often
mounts so substantially that anger takes over. I find
myself blaming my normal hearing friends for not helping
me to participate more effectively. 'Why can't they
sense my frustration and come to my rescue?' I often
ask myself. It is getting difficult for me to maintain
a healthy attitude and to hang on to my self- confidence
in these instances. How can I make significant others
understand my struggle?”
It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking
to yourself the following: “Given that I cannot
make significant others understand my struggle, then
there must be something wrong with ME.” Often
this type of thinking occurs just below our level of
awareness; it’s a version of “blame the
victim,” but here the victim is oneself.
The solution is NOT to quit trying to get support;
because, as Barbara Streisand correctly noted, “People
need people!” We need a group of supportive persons
-- a “critical mass” (no matter how small
a number) -- who will sense our frustration and come
to our rescue; who will affirm our feelings; who will
not view us as “defects.” Many hard of
hearing persons find those precious, select few --
perhaps one’s spouse or old friends, etc. –-
from whom they can count on getting support; and to
the best of their ability, they say, “To heck
with the rest.”
Although it’s naturally ideal for those
supportive people to be with you physically, this is
not always possible. As an example, my daughter's once
favorite television show was about a young girl, named
Pippi Longstocking, whose father had left many years
ago to go off to sea. In times of need, Pippi would
stand by the ocean talking to "The Captain." And, he
would talk to Pippi through the waves; and no matter
how badly she had been feeling, she would end up knowing
that she was okay, that she was a good and lovable
person.
That story echoes an age-old practice of having
a comforting dialog with someone, even though that
someone isn’t physically present. I have a favorite
guided imagery, one that I personally use in times
of stress when I need to talk to a supportive other
who isn’t there. You might try it yourself:
“Imagine someone in your past, present,
or whom you may meet in the future. It could be a fictional
character, someone on TV, in a book or in the movies
- anyone who could, with credibility, soothe you and
comfort you; someone who would enable you to hold on
to who you are; who would prevent you from giving your
self-esteem away.
“What is he or she saying to you?
“What are you saying back?
“As you imagine having a dialog with this
person, know that you can summon him or her at any
time in your mind’s eye. That person can help
you hold on to your self-esteem.”
Like any other kind of psychological advise,
this technique isn’t so simple, but it’s
powerful nonetheless. I was impressed by the autobiography
of Nelson Mandela when he recounted his several years
of solitary confinement in prison. He credited his
survival -- not only to remain sane but to remain psychologically
alive -- to his regularly practiced ritual of having
an imaginary dialog with a beloved, supportive other;
one who would assuage his desperation. In the midst
of the insensitivity of others around him, he avidly
relied on these daily affirmations of himself.
- Michael A. Harvey, Ph.D., is a noted author and clinical
psychologist whose specialty is psychotherapy for
persons with hearing loss. He regularly lectures
both nationally and internationally, including at
several SHHH Conventions over the past 20 years.
In addition to a private practice in Framingham,
Massachusetts, he holds adjunct faculty positions
at Boston University; Pennsylvania College of Optometry,
School of Audiology; and previously at Gallaudet
University. His latest book is titled The Odyssey
of Hearing Loss: Tales of Triumph, published
by Dawn Sign Press.
We welcome your questions about psychological issues
of hearing loss for use in this column. Please send
them to “What’s On Your Mind?”, 7910
Woodmont Avenue, Suite 1200, Bethesda, MD 20814. Or
e-mail them directly to Dr. Harvey through his website
at www.Michaelharvey-phd.com. |
